The term
'marriage' generally bears a striking connotation: love and a life together.
Love is the key ingredient of this social union between two people who are
committed to spending their lives together.
What logically ensues is that in order to get married one needs to be in
love. Wedlock seals the romantic involvement and a new life begins for two
people. True. This is commonly and most naturally the case the world over. In
India, however, the scenario is entirely different.
This is one
country that regales in its age old tradition of 'arranged marriages'. While,
getting married becomes almost imperative for every Indian, falling in love is
even today frowned upon. Paradoxically, in a land where remaining unmarried is
considered lacking a fundamental ingredient of life and an embarrassment, a
youngster in love, evokes the piquant curiosity of his peers and invites nasty
insinuations from the elderly about his/her romantic relationship. In major
parts of India, being in love before marriage is a virtual stigma. So is remaining single.
A girl in love supposedly brings 'shame' upon her family. And all hell breaks
loose if the boy she's in love with happens to be from a caste/ community
different from hers. In order to salvage the family's 'honour', the girl is
either hastily married off to another boy of a 'respectable' background,
falling within the 'caste/community' compartment, or in worst cases the
unwavering, undeterred girl and her lover are sacrificed by their own people in
the name of 'honour killing'. Shocking as it may seem, yet this act of
barbarism continues to be practiced in parts of the country. Most couples in
love, however, are lucky enough to get a positive nod from their respective
families. In such cases too it seldom is an easy win for them. Often parents
put up a stiff resistance to their children's choices and ultimately, fearing
an estrangement from their heirs, give in. At other times, however, the girl
and the boy, two consenting adults, are forced to marry someone against their
own wishes.
In the
background of these somber, sour and unyielding practices, the age old
tradition of arranged marriage still exists as the most acceptable way to
matrimony. Funnily enough, Indian parents proudly take the onus of finding
suitable matches for their children, and getting their 'independent' children
married off is an incumbency carried out almost theatrically. The practice, in
today's world that significantly values individual freedom and choices in all
that one does, appears downright stifling and outdated. Recently, while talking
to a cousin in India, who works as a software engineer with a reputed
multinational, I casually asked her about her plans for marriage. The youngster
replied saying that while marriage was most plainly on the cards, she was still
waiting for Mr. Right. I asked her if she had someone in mind, to which she
replied in the negative, and said that she expected her parents to do that for
her. Some twenty years back the answer would not have befuddled me, but today I
found it difficult to stomach that. What is simply beyond comprehension is, the
way a person who's come to be independent, with a distinct conception of life
and choices, allows someone else to choose a 'life partner' for him/her. Isn't
that a decision reserved exclusively to the individuals concerned?
Most Indian
parents, in their mid-ages, spend a chunk of their time and resources playing
match makers to their offspring. The burgeoning matrimonial websites come
appreciably to their aid. Bharat Matrimony, a ubiquitous name in Indian
households, boasts of having entered the Limca Book of Records with a record
number of marriages. Not that 'love marriages' are non-existent. With changing
times, 'love matches'- a term not used in the western world, are gaining
grounds especially in urban India. However, such marriages are arranged by
families, dutifully and most self- righteously, by way of mutual approval and
compliance. In ancient India, where the idea and role of the individual was not
well recognized and remained relatively blurred, the concept of arranged
marriage did work, and those marriages were fairly successful too. Today,
however, Indians with a decent education and career have veered far from the
age old way of living, but when it comes to settling down in marriage, they
most often lie, bereft of any romantic association, almost wholly at the wishes
of their parents. And it thus is a 'loveless match' to begin with. It would be
further intriguing to note that many of the youngsters have had no romantic
involvement at all until they get married, which happens anytime around their
mid-twenties or later. And this is highly regarded by the older generation and
often passed off as a mark of 'integrity of character'. To such couples, sex
comes, not as a result of love, but more as a result of a natural transpiration
between a man and a woman being 'made to sleep together' for the purpose of nurturing
the family tree, and for enabling a ‘socially accepted’ way to satisfy their
basic human instinct. What follows marriage is a life bogged down with family
pressures and responsibility, so much, so that love merely remains an object of
fantasy, restricted to books and films.
In a land
where individuality and personal space do not come easily and naturally, it
appears that the age old tradition of arranged marriage has not just survived,
it is continually evolving to suit the needs of a changing populace. And so, a
'fair complexioned, smart, beautiful convent educated, 5ft2'' docile, homely,
graduate, Brahmin girl of 22,' of the 80s and 90s has now progressed to a
'beautiful, Hindu, Mumbai based investment banker 25, progressive woman with a
spiritual bent, seeks alliance with like-minded Hindu man, preferably based in
the US ; caste no bar'. In a progressing India the old arrangement still works,
with a constant variable of 'beauty' as an essential criterion for an Indian
bride. Not just in India, but scores of Indians settled in America and other
parts of the world, continue to opt for arranged matches with a view to retain
their culture. The difference is that back home, parents play a decisive role
in these marriages. Romance and courtship between couples-to-be is not
encouraged. And all clandestine meetings, if any, to that effect are often
swept under the carpet and not given enough importance. Indians living
westwards generally have a strong say in their own, arranged relationship.
Furthermore, the need to know one another is far more crucial and relevant than
what goes on at the family levels.
It can be
summed up that arranged marriages continue to hold their charm for Indians. The
flavors get somewhat marinated in the changing times, but families still look
for decent brides and a US based software engineer continues to be the most
sought after groom.
